Having recently graduated from medical school, in a few days’ time I will start my\u00a0first ever job as a doctor. That title alone, which I worked so hard for, now completely\u00a0terrifies me and feels totally unjustified. How can I have spent the last five years\u00a0studying, to lead me up to this point, and yet feel so unprepared?<\/p>\n
I can be happily enjoying my last few days of student bliss when all of a sudden I\u00a0have that sudden sinking feeling, as I imagine a nurse turning to me and with a\u00a0worried look saying “Doctor, Mr so-and-so isn\u2019t looking well, would you come and\u00a0assess him?”<\/p>\n
My immediate thought would be, “Who, me? Surely you don\u2019t mean me? Isn\u2019t there\u00a0someone else who actually knows how to do that sort of thing?” I even have this fear\u00a0when it comes to simple tasks, like putting cannulas in, prescribing fluids and\u00a0medications, and assessing patients. Every doctor you talk to and seek advice from\u00a0has at least one right-of-passage story, along the lines of, “that time they nearly did\u00a0such and such and had to be rescued by the reg” or “the first time they had to start\u00a0CPR alone.”<\/p>\n
The list is endless. Part of me almost hopes that I have one of those moments early on, so that\u00a0I can learn how to deal with it. Another part of me wants to just hide in the cupboard and hope no one notices that I\u2019m not on the ward.<\/p>\n
The good news is that I am not alone. Most of my friends say exactly the same thing and I really think that those who deny it are just as terrified underneath it all. I hope\u00a0that fear will initially bond us together as juniors, as we help one another blunder \u00a0through.<\/p>\n
The other good news is that everyone keeps reassuring me that it will all “come back\u00a0to me” when I need it. I currently can\u2019t even really think what \u2018it\u2019 is, but I am hoping\u00a0five years of study will have left some sort of imprint on my brain. I have started my\u00a0general preparation, this includes constantly carrying around my Oxford Handbook of\u00a0Foundation Medicine. I haven\u2019t actually brought myself to opening it or even get it\u00a0out of my bag yet, for fear of it all looking alien.<\/p>\n
Others preparations include reading up on life support and completing the oh so\u00a0exciting online training modules, while most importantly deciding on what I will wear\u00a0on my first day.<\/p>\n
However, underneath all the fear and anxiety I do feel a general sense of excitement.<\/p>\n
This is my moment to sink or swim. To work out if I really have what it takes to be a \u00a0doctor and just get on with it. I get to become a real adult, with a real job, just like\u00a0most of my friends did three years ago. I can stop explaining why I don\u2019t have any\u00a0money.<\/p>\n
On the flip side, I feel like I\u2019ve lost my autonomy. With just days to go before\u00a0induction starts I haven\u2019t had even a sniff of my rota. But I\u2019ve already been told that I\u00a0need to request any holiday that I want to take in my first four months within my first\u00a0two weeks. There is no room for spontaneity or flexibility and for all I know my first\u00a0week of shifts could be nights. This worries me for the long term. You hear about 14\u00a0day long shifts and last minute rota chages, which have left people missing a sibling\u2019s\u00a0or best friend\u2019s wedding or in one case even their own.<\/p>\n
Am I ready to hand over control of my free time and social life to the whims of the\u00a0ever-changing NHS rota? So many have done it before me and survived but from the\u00a0platform of post-elective bliss on which I stand it seems like a big ask. I can only hope that I enjoy the next couple of years as much as I expect too and I don\u2019t suffer\u00a0too many major mishaps. I hope that I manage to make a few friends and have a laugh\u00a0along the way. Most of all I just really hope that I will be that person, about which\u00a0patients and colleagues will say “she\u2019s a good doctor.”<\/p>\n
I have read and understood BMJ policy on declaration of interests and\u00a0declare the following interests: None<\/p>\n
Stephanie Rimmer<\/strong> is a foundation year one doctor at Charing Cross Hospital, London<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Having recently graduated from medical school, in a few days’ time I will start my\u00a0first ever job as a doctor. That title alone, which I worked so hard for, now completely\u00a0terrifies me and feels totally unjustified. How can I have spent the last five years\u00a0studying, to lead me up to this point, and yet feel […]<\/p>\n